Pittsburgh

Strike two.

All things considered, I'd have to say that Pittsburgh is not the hole in the earth it sounds like it would be. It's actually a very pretty city on a point of land where two rivers converge. The first view of the city was quite stunning when we rounded the last bend in the road on our way from the airport.

Our Pennsylvania fiasco began with an email from LDS Family Services a week ago, Thursday. The Adoption Center of Choice, a private adoption agency in Orem, had contacted Family Services looking for families interested in being considered by a birth mom who wanted to place her 4 month old twin boys for adoption. Interested? Are you kidding me??!! Of course we were! We called immediately to have our profile included.

A weekend's anxiety and wondering led to being told that the birth mother had chosen a different family. I've lost count of how many times we've been in this situation over the past 4 years, especially this last year. The first day of knowing we're being considered by a birth mom, I have high hopes and start thinking about arranging bedrooms and getting baby clothes. The next day, with no word, I start to realize that it's probably not going to happen, but it's impossible to stifle that part of me that keeps hoping that...maybe...this might be it. By the third day, my mood spirals downward when I know that they would have called by now if it was going to happen. Then I start being irritated that at every adoption agency we've worked with there is a serious lack concern for adoptive families that are waiting and wondering if they should be buying a car seat or getting on with everyday life. It's just a phone call! Even an email would do. You'd think one person there could contact the five or six families that are waiting and wondering.

Anyway, after I called and found out the twins had been placed with another family, we were asked if they could show our profile to some other birth moms that hadn't yet chosen families. We agreed. A few minutes later, the lady from the agency called and asked if I'd write a quick personal note to Valeri. She was very sweet and seemed to want to give us an edge. Profiles were going to be shown to Valeri that day, so I had to hurry to get them the information they needed. About an hour after I'd emailed everything to them, they called back to tell us that Valeri had chosen our family! I was stunned that it had happened so quickly. I was excited, but not sure what Darrel would think. He had been more hesitant about submitting our profile than I was. He was as stunned as I was. We played 20 Questions for Family Night so the kids could guess our exciting news. As much as I wanted to spare them the drama if this didn't work out, I knew we couldn't keep from them why we were suddenly running around like crazy people and jumping on a plane to Pennsylvania.

The next day, Darrel was still feeling anxious about the situation, so he went to the temple. I was out with the kids horseback riding and dreading having to hear Darrel say that he still felt it wasn't right. Instead, he called to tell me that he'd gotten a peaceful feeling about going ahead with the adoption.I asked him several times if he was absolutely sure. I hated to leave it all to him to make such a life-altering decision, but I didn't trust myself. I'm too clouded with emotion when it comes to adoption, I guess. Almost every situation seems good to me. Finally feeling like we could let go and be excited at last, we started making arrangements to travel to Pittsburgh.

When we got on the plane (really--it couldn't have come before then??), Darrel started having moments of anxiety about it. But he would pray and then feel peaceful again. He figured once we saw the baby he would be O.K.

Well, he wasn't. We got in to Pittsburgh very late Saturday night and went up to the hospital first thing in the morning Sunday. Father's Day. We got to feed the baby, who was still so tiny, and hold him. But Darrel didn't feel the way he had about our other three children and didn't know what to think. I was discouraged, wanting to be joyful, but unable to ignore Darrel's feelings. As we left to get some lunch, the parents of the baby in the bed space next to ours stopped us and told us how they had been praying that a nice family would adopt the baby and how glad they were that we were there to take care of him now. We were very touched and I thought maybe that would be what Darrel needed to hear to feel at peace. I knew the baby needed a good home and what home would be better than ours? But that wasn't enough.

That evening, we met Valeri and her mother and an aunt that had been very supportive. They were nice people, but Valeri didn't visit for long. She wouldn't hold the baby.

We spent that night talking and praying and spilling lots of tears. It was heart wrenching. Darrel wanted so much for me not to be disappointed, but couldn't ignore the feelings he had that maybe this wasn't right. I, on the other hand, couldn't understand why, if this was the case, I wasn't having the same feelings. I felt fine about the baby, though I wasn't prompted that he was "ours" either. We didn't know what to do. We prayed that we would know, in ways that would be unmistakable to each of us, whether we should move forward or tell the agency that we didn't feel right about the adoption.

We made our way to the hospital Monday morning with heavy hearts. We had been told by the adoption agency that Valeri had relinquished her parental rights that morning. We were supposed to sign our paperwork the next morning before Darrel left for the airport, then I would stay near the hospital until the baby was ready to leave.

After we fed the baby and held him again, we were going to the cafeteria to get some lunch when we were stopped by the hospital social worker. She asked us to come in another room with her and we knew right away it couldn't be anything good. We sat down and she told us that she couldn't let us see the baby anymore because Valeri was changing her mind about the adoption and she needed to check to see what was allowed legally. We started to cry and explain what we'd been feeling and told her that, though the relinquishments had been signed, we wouldn't fight Valeri's choice because of the feelings we had. It was a relief. It was unmistakable.

We went down for lunch. I was still crying, a mixture of sadness and relief. We went back to our hotel and made plans to get us both home the next day. I asked if we could continue to go to the hospital and take care of the baby until we left, but Valeri didn't want that. I suppose she worried that the baby would bond to me or somehow I'd try to take him, but I just hated the thought of him sitting up there alone. Valeri lives an hour and a half away and hadn't been to see the baby since she was released from the hospital. Certainly, he had the nurses, but it's not the same thing. We took the car seat and some preemie clothes we'd brought with us to the hospital. We told the social worker we wanted Valeri to have them, but that if she didn't want them, to give them to another family that needed them.

We walked around the city near our hotel. We found an Italian restaurant for dinner. When Darrel asked for the check, the waitress told us it was already taken care of. Confused, we looked at each other for a minute, then Darrel went to investigate. The waitress told him a young couple had paid for our dinner and that she wasn't going to tell us who and spoil the surprise. So there we were, sitting in a city where we knew no one, with our dinner all paid for by strangers. We didn't think we looked so sad that someone would just do that after looking at us. The best we could figure is that the sweet couple from the hospital must have seen us come in, followed us, and paid for our meal. The place they were staying was just down the street. I had just talked with the mom that morning and found she had trouble getting pregnant and when she did, her first baby was stillborn. After that, they were blessed with a little girl and then surprise twins just 11 months later. Sadly, one twin had passed away and the other, in the bed space next to ours, had a small stroke. They still don't know how much he will be affected by it, but they were so excited to be taking him home after 8 long weeks in the hospital. I was so touched by their compassion. There are good people in the world.

Thanks to my brother, who works for Jet Blue, we were able to get standby tickets to fly home Tuesday night. We spent some anxious hours at the airport wondering if and praying that there would be room on the flight, and felt very blessed when they called our names for tickets. We couldn't wait to get home to our kids!

I am glad to find that I am not affected the same way I was last time this happened. It makes a huge difference to have felt that this wasn't right for our family beforehand. But it still brings us back to wondering if there is another baby for our family and where to find that baby if there is. It's a hard place to be.

There is also the financial worry. Private agencies charge a good deal of money for adoptions, and while we won't lose any money other than travel costs (which were considerably lightened by some divine intervention, for which we are grateful), the money we have put toward this adoption can only be used at that particular agency now. I won't go into all the boring details, but we are still waiting to see what will come of all that. Darrel is pretty good at it, but waiting seems to be something I must need lots of practice with.

Summer Horses

Spencer and Grace have been taking horseback riding lessons for a year now. This summer, we decided to lease some horses at the barn where they've been riding. In essence, they have what I dreamed about for years as a child--their very own horses! (Well, at least two days a week, anyway).

Spencer's horse is a tall paint National Show Horse. That's a cross between a Saddlebred and an Arabian, if you know your horse breeds. His name is Atomic Superman and he's quite a gentleman. He and Spencer get along well. Grace's horse is a little bay Arabian mare named Miranda, who is very gentle and careful with her, but can be stubborn as a mule at times (much to Grace's frustration).

Our lease days are Tuesdays and Fridays and the pictures below will take you through a typical horseback riding adventure. Yeehaw!

Having some lunch before riding.
We first get the horses from their stalls. Here's Grace and Miranda.
Spencer getting "Soup", as he's nicknamed.




The kids give their horses a good brushing.

Then it's time for saddles and bridles. They've learned how to do this all themselves!
Justin doesn't usually come with us as he's allergic to something out there. We don't think it's the horses, but there is a lot of dust that makes his eyes start to itch and his nose run. He had to come with us this day, so Grace took him for a quick ride before his symptoms got bad enough for him to watch with me from the car.
The kids warm their horses up in the indoor arena to make sure they're not feeling too frisky, then head outside. I love watching them ride! They've gotten so confident and it's fun to watch them talk to each other about what to do next on their horses. They've had some fun riding bareback (Spencer even trots and canters on Soup without any trouble staying on!) and trading horses on occasion. I hope they'll have lots of fun memories of their summer horses.

Lagoon 2011

We live about 10 minutes away from a fun amusement park. The kids look forward to Lagoon Day every year. Here are some shots from our very fun day!

Bumper cars!








We had to talk Grace into riding this one, but now Bombora is her new favorite ride!
Justin eating his dinner, a "chickenburger".

Summer Haircuts

We began a tradition around here about 8 years ago. The little boys (Darrel prefers to hold onto the hair he has) get a summer buzz. I don't do it right down to the scalp so they're nearly bald, but I give them a nice close cut so that, a) we can all have a break from haircuts and b) the boys can have a little natural air conditioning.

So, here's this year's before, during and afters. Happy summer!

Both boys requested mohawks before I cut it all off.




Love that dimple!

Two Cool Things

There were two cool events yesterday.

First, Justin "graduated" from preschool. There wasn't a ceremony or anything, he just came home with a fun hat and diploma (and sucker--that's most important). I think graduation ceremonies other than for high school and college are kind of silly, myself. Sorry if you like them. But Justin looked awfully cute and I had to get a picture. I can't believe his preschool days are over!

I've done a neighborhood preschool for the past two years with some other moms. We take a turn hosting preschool every 6 weeks and it's worked out really well. We started it mainly so the kids would have a chance to play together and we could have a break for a couple of hours twice a week, but Justin has actually learned a lot and really enjoyed it. He can't wait to start Kindergarten in the fall!

The next event was Spencer's and Grace's spring piano recital.

They each played a solo and duet and were awesome! Grace's duet partner has only been playing piano since the fall and was playing in the wrong spot on the piano, so it sounds a little off, but Grace played her part perfectly. Playing duets is very difficult, as Grace knows from the first time she had to learn one. It took a lot of work and patience! I'm proud of her for accommodating her partner by slowing down and speeding up when necessary and playing through it even though she knew something was off. She has made so much progress from when she first started lessons!

Grace and Spencer were excited to receive an unexpected award for the most consistent practicing of all their teacher's students. (I told them I thought I deserved half of each of their giant Symphony candy bars, but they weren't willing to share.) Justin will start piano lessons in a couple of weeks. Let's see if I can keep up the consistency through the summer mayhem and an extra student!

Enjoy the videos! Stupidness. The videos aren't uploading for some reason. I'll try posting them later. Chances are, no one will read this before then anyway.