There isn't going to be a baby. We found out today that our birth mother decided to place her baby with another family. My mind is flooded with "why?" questions. The why questions don't really help, but I ask them anyway. Why another family after letting things get this far? Why can't I simply take comfort in knowing that I have three wonderful children? Why can't I stop crying? Was it some oversight of my own that got me in this position? Why did this even happen anyway? Why can't we just have kids like everyone else can?! There are more but I'm tired of them.
I feel like I've been pregnant for the past two years only to find out that my baby didn't live. I don't know how to deal with it. My head hurts from crying. So I cry some more and try to make sense of something that doesn't really make sense and probably never will. I know there are many worse situations to be in out there in this world. I know there is misery beyond what I can even fathom, but I can only deal with my own set of problems in my own sphere, limited as it may be.
More questions. I wish I could turn my brain off. What do I do now? Can I even trust my own intuition/spiritual radar anymore? How do I talk to people about this? I don't really want to, but I also don't want the rest of the world to go on like nothing has happened. Are we supposed to have any more children or not?
A few hours after the news, I went into the nursery and packed up all the new baby boy clothes I bought. I just can't have them sitting there. It's bad enough to have a nursery all ready that I'm not going to take down because there's no where else to put the stuff. I called our caseworker and asked her to come pick them up along with a short note for our birth mom and a note to the family that will be adopting her baby. I tucked all the little things back in the basket that our birth mom gave us when she announced to us that she'd chosen us to adopt her baby. The new family she chooses will be getting very short notice about their baby and will need them. Besides, I bought them for Bryce, so with Bryce they will go. I take down the letters spelling out Bryce's name from the wall.
Amy, you wondered what it's like waiting for someone else to have your baby. I might as well ask you what it's like to feel a baby kicking inside you. All of my children are adopted so it's all I've ever known, and it comes with a level of anxiety inherent to adoption. And I never know which way it will go until that baby is home in my arms...or not. But I have to hope and plan and dream, anyway because I can't hold back. I'm grateful for three birth moms that suffered more, I'm sure, than I am because they felt their babies belonged with us. So bittersweet, adoption.
Well, there. The tears have stopped spilling over and my thoughts have run their course for the moment. I'm sure there will be more, but for now that's enough.
I'm so sorry, I came to your site hoping that there would be happy news... that Bryce would have been born and I'd be able to see some pictures. I asked a lot of "why" questions while I was pregnant with Spencer and I'm convinced that those just come from Satan, there's really not ever a good answer for any of them. We've kept you in our prayers, and you'll be staying in them... we love you all!
ReplyDeleteTim and Erin
amanda-
ReplyDeletebrooke called me a few hours ago with the devastating news. i am so sorry. i am crying right along with you. i, too, have so many questions- but they're questions nobody has an answer to.
i can't even begin to imagine the pain and confusion and just devastation you are experiencing at how much your world has changed just since yesterday. i so wish there was something, anything, that i could do.
you and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers. don't beat yourself up about it; i'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. so mourn and cry all that you need to, but don't question yourself as a mother or someone who is not deserving of having more children. i know you know there is a bigger picture, but it's so hard to see when you're in the middle of so much pain and sadness.
good luck. i hope that you will feel the Lord's love for you stronger than ever during this difficult time.
tears and hugs,
amy
Oh Amanada, I know you don't even know me, but I'm so sorry. A similar thing happened to my brother and sil the first time they were to adopt. I know your heart is ripped in two. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteAmanda and Darrel,
ReplyDeleteI'm SO sorry to hear this news! I am in shock! I can't imagine what you're going through right now. My heart hurts for you! I've been thinking about you and praying that everything would go well. I am at a loss of words. Please know that I will continue to pray for you and your family and that I love you!
Oh Amanda! I am hurting for you and your family. I would be asking "why" questions too but you can't beat yourself up about it. My oldest brother and his wife adopted 2 of their 3 children and they went through so much. I lost 2 babies in miscarriages (only about 7 weeks along) but I can't imagine what you are feeling. My prayers are with you and I am sending a giant hug!
ReplyDeleteIt's horrible moments like these when you just want to throw the covers over your head and not face the agonizing feelings of another day. You sob until you cant catch your breath. Loss is so very difficult and tests us to our very core.
ReplyDeleteWe are so sorry...so sorry for your loss.
I had to keep re-explaining it to Izabella at dinner tonight because she couldn't understand how this could happen. It just didn't seem right.
I honestly believe we don't always get an answer, that's a part of the loss. Part of the grief and suffering. I know it must feel So unfair.
I know I could post a comment trying to spread sunshine and joy....but all of that means nothing when you feel despair. It almost irritates you more! So just know that
you are (NO DOUBT)an amazing mom...PERIOD. There's no questioning that. Things will get better.
Love,
Rachel
Oh, Amanda. I'm so so sorry. And I haven't known what to say or do to help you feel better. It's so hard to know what to do in a situation like this other than pray (which I've been doing) but if there's anything you need please please call me. I would honestly love to help in some way so I don't feel so helpless. In the meantime I'll keep praying... Love, Natalie Ferguson
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. Just knowing you care means a lot.
ReplyDeleteAmanda and Darrel,
ReplyDeleteThis was shocking news and we're so perturbed you were on the receiving end of this event. But behind the perturbation is grief for two of our 'kids' and their family who are grieving. And grieve you must. There is no way you can go around something like this, you must go through it. With tears and questions, just get it all out. And lots of us are going through with you...you're not alone. Don't doubt your intuition or your parenting skills and don't doubt that Heavenly Father knows how strong you are. He knows what you're made of and what you can take, and as trite as it sounds, there are lessons to be learned now that will leave you stronger, wiser, more empathetic, and more in tune. Some of your answers can be found in scripture, some in prayer, and some from your heart. You'll come out of this knowing a little more of the strength of your birth-moms on the days they packed up their 'baskets' to place a baby in your arms. And I'm sure that's not even the main lesson to be learned. Keep crying, writing, pondering, praying and remember that because of the infinite Atonement, Christ knows exactly what you are feeling each day and in each moment of pain. He has felt it with you. He's already paid the loss. The passing of time will not heal this wound, only the sweet succor from the Savior will. You're in our prayers. We love you all. XOXO Julie & Steve